Posts Tagged ‘experience’

Experience

I frequently receive messages from men (some of them young, but many of them in their thirties and forties or beyond) who are really worried about their lack of experience when it comes to sex. I maintain that we are all much more than the notches on our bedposts, but I do understand that in a society that tells men that they ought to be having as much sex as possible (and not just having sex but doing so with tremendous vigour and innate skill), the idea that other people are having more sex, and doing it better than you, can seem rather disheartening.

Many of those who approach me are worried that I’ll be hesitant to see them, but I’ve often found that those who visit me in pursuit of new confidence and intimate knowledge are impressively respectful and attentive. If there were such a thing as a recipe for a good lover, those might be my first two ingredients. If you can start out with those, and then add a genuine desire to find out what gives your partner pleasure, great sexual experiences are possible. Great sex naturally begets even greater sex (and then that begets ohmygiddygoodnessmoreplease sex, if we’re getting technical about it.)

Sex isn’t a race, and you don’t have to start by a certain age (it’s not gymnastics, after all). You can have (and share) great experiences even if you consider yourself something of a late bloomer (and it may even be an advantage). You can’t learn sex, because each and every time will be different, but you probably already have the skills you need to be a great lover. If you’re worried, you can take the time to practice communicating with a partner, try out ways of asking for what you want till you find the ones you’re comfortable with, and learn that to ask “so what would you like to do?” is not a confession of inexperience — it’s an acknowledgement that every partner is different, and that even the same partner may like different things on different days. You can practice playfulness and learn to relax and enjoy yourself, and in doing so, probably come to realise that anyone worth having sex with isn’t thinking about how much sexual experience you have — they’re too busy enjoying the ridiculously fun sex you’re having right now.

Rosalie O'Connor