How to enquire: A guide for the perplexed
You’ve been googling for weeks now, you’ve read reviews, and you’ve thought it over. You’ve skimmed the provider’s website cover-to-cover, perused their gallery, checked their rates, looked over their likes, perused their gallery, scanned their FAQ, cast an eye over their blog, perused their gallery, made a note of their contact details, thought about what you’d like to do during your session … and then you perused the gallery, just once more, for good measure.
Or maybe you’ve only this moment landed on their website, glanced at their gallery and paused just long enough to dial their number or click their email address. Either way, you’re about to reach out and make an enquiry. You might not have realised yet, but you’re also about to be screened. You’ll want to make a good impression here, and ideally cultivate mutual respect.
These days, a lot of providers like to get their enquires by email. A colleague recently noted that clients who send her a polite email in order to book a day or two in advance are often reliable and respectful. That isn’t to say that those who book over the phone or on the day of the appointment aren’t nice people. They can be wonderful. But sometimes those who’ve taken the time to put their desires down in words have a better idea of what they want, and feel more committed to the session.
If you’re emailing a provider, here’s how to look like you’re the kind of client they want to hear from:
1. Make sure you have read their website. It’s unlikely to be that time-consuming, and if you’re really interested in this particular provider, it should be fun!
2. If you’re asking for something they don’t list, or something you think is unusual or taboo, show an awareness of how the request might look to the provider if it’s the first time they’ve encountered it. “I know it’s a bit unusual, but I wondered if you might let me hang upside down from a chair and thrust my crotch into a custard pie. Obviously we could discuss how to minimise mess and who’s providing the pie.” is much more likely to elicit a positive response of some kind than simply listing a series of demands as if the provider is obliged to fulfil them.
3. Include your name, and some kind of introduction. “My name is Dave and I’m in my late forties. I found your site/saw your newspaper advertisement/caught a carrier pigeon eating my lunch with your details attached.” is useful and informative.
4. Brief details about your availability and the session you’re after are also very useful. A novella-length fantasy tends to look like wank material, and imposes on the provider’s valuable time. A good example might be: “I’m really into school or office roleplay, for this session I might like you to be my overbearing and sadistic boss. I love being verbally humiliated, and I like spanking, the harder the better. I also like caning, although I don’t like it too hard and definitely don’t want to be marked. I’d also be interested in a bit of cock-and-ball torture, but could we discuss this when I arrive as I’m unsure how far I want to go with it? I’m free on Tuesday and Wednesday after 3, if you have any time on those days?”
5. The hallmarks of a time waster are notoriously easy to spot and often involve an overly detailed email that’s more pornographic than informative or the promise of becoming a regular before you’ve met for the first time (how presumptuous of you to assume the provider will want to see you again!). Demonstrating that you’ve failed to read the provider’s information will damage your prospects, as will asking endless (especially open-ended) questions, or being overly proscriptive about what the session should involve, or how the provider should dress. Saying ‘I see you do school role-play, can you dress for that?’ is fine, whereas ‘I want you in a red tartan skirt, with white lacy knickers, no bra, a magenta wig and no make-up’ is not ideal.
6. Don’t boast or otherwise infer that you’re doing the provider a favour by coming to see them. It’s not endearing, and they will roll their eyes and send your email straight to spam, where you’ll spend all eternity with only ‘you’ve won $10,000 worth of enlarge your penis now ipad coupon surveys!’ for company.
7. If you have particular requirements, any disabilities or health concerns, or this is your first time, it’s quite alright to say so. Your provider can only work with the information available to them. If you’re really worried about how your enquiry will be received, seek out an understanding provider who welcomes nervous clients.
If you’re calling instead:
1. Say hello, and introduce yourself. This seems simple, but you’d be shocked at how often a provider picks up the phone to find someone on the other end saying ‘Are you free?’ (“No, dear, please see my rates page.”)
2. Check you’ve gotten through to the right person! “I’ve seen your website and wanted to enquire about an appointment” is fairly innocuous, and you can backtrack and claim you thought you were through to ‘Accountants ‘r’ us’ if you’re not speaking to the right person!
3. Listen to what the provider is saying. If they ask you a question and you change the subject instead of answering, you won’t be making a good impression.
4. If you try to steer the conversation towards describing the session-to-come, the provider will likely be unimpressed. Respectful clients don’t expect the provider to titillate them over the phone before an appointment.
The take-away message here is that politeness and respect goes a long way! Providers get a lot of emails and phone calls. With a little thought, you can make it easy for them to decide they’d like to see you and get straight to arranging your time together. Now go peruse the gallery again.